Shockingly filthy song from 1935

220px-LucilleBogan

One of the tag lines for this blog is “Not your grandma’s erotica”… I might have to change that because of this woman.

Lucille Bogan (1897-1948), aka Bessie Jackson, is one of the first recorded female blues singers. Stop playing with your taxidermy squirrels for once, and come settle on the porch with me. Give this a listen:

I got nipples on my titties,
big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll
make a dead man come…
— Lucille Bogan, “Shave ‘Em Dry” (1935)

Is your mind blown yet? She’s just getting started:

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddam ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.
— Lucille Bogan, “Shave ‘Em Dry” (1935)

What happened, America? Where did all our filthy, dirty song lyrics go? When did our crab / nipple / pussy songs suddenly became too risqué? Try singing this song with your kids at the school talent show — you’ll have an eye-opening reaction. That’s one story I’ll never tell again (thanks to my plea bargain).

The full song:

 

Man-man sex video is beautiful, and safe for work

I recently discovered that some of my co-workers don’t like watching men get down with other men. I know, right?

Sure, they’ll starcello-blurbe at two chicks going crazy on a balcony at Mardi Gras. Normative lesbian sex is “hot” — what a double standard! Lesbianism is so acceptable these days, that one of my fireman friends wants a 45-minute “best of GGG” video clip played at his funeral (provided he dies before he’s married).

My problem is that I live in a small conservative Southern community. Everybody is so closed-minded they object to the topic before I even get started at PTA meetings. It’s getting so even the mailman peals away when he sees me coming.

Are we man-to-manners really supposed to just lie down and accept the premise that lesbians are GOLD, but man-bians are “NO”-LD?

If you’re a strong advocate for man-to-man sex, like I am, here’s a video to help you win your arguments. At work. Yes, win your arguments at work. Because this video is SFW! Man-to-man at your desk. It doesn’t get better than that.

Cello 1

For the record, I don’t know if these musicians are actually into each other. You don’t have to be a homosexual to be pleasantly surprised by man sex. This happy, musical fellow might be married to a female, which could lead to some uncomfortable questions soon:

Amanda

Thomas! What is this fucking video I found on your laptop!?

Thomas

It’s, um, nothing? I was just practicing mah cello.

Amanda

OMG what’s he doing to you?

Thomas

It was a little awkward because I wasn’t expecting it.

Amanda

He’s just taking over, isn’t he?

Thomas

I was playing my song, and this guy came up behind me and… and… started fiddling.

 

Cello 2

Amanda

Is this what you meant by wanting to try swinging? Getting nailed on Youtube?

Thomas

It just happened. I know you’re angry—

Amanda

I’m not angry. I’m withholding my criticism, like Dr Winsen told me to. Let’s fullscreen and watch it again.

Thomas

Why are you unzipping my fly?

Amanda

I… I don’t rightly know.

Thomas

CELLOOOOO!

See the whole (very awesome) video:

Girl from Starship Venus

Every now and then my erotica-writing buddies say they want to get into science fiction. This is what I think of—the theme song from the 1975 female-alien-explores-humansex movie, “Girl from Starship Venus”:

In an atomic burst of energy, she appeared in female form
She investigated lovin’ far beyond the human norm
With a bang or two, she started being sexy all around
The interstellar traveler of love!

Girl from Starship Venus

Scordamaglia Oops!

Nominated for Emmeline’s Possé! You need to sit down for this. Then put a pillow in your lap to catch your jaw. Jenny Scordamaglia is a model/reporter for Miami TV (here is their Youtube channel, with 372 videos) who grew up in Colombia and apparently never developed body shame like I did.

Jenny Scordamaglia interviews two indifferent men

Jenny Scordamaglia interviews two indifferent men

Night after night, she strolls around in flimsy, showy outfits that reveal most of her tan, lovely skin. Skin which should rightfully be mine. She interviews men and women, nightclub patrons, celebrities, museum curators, you name it. She does highly public interviews on the street, chats up people at concerts—all while her clothes slide off, gape open, curtain apart, or flip up over her ass.

It’s as if a dozen horny teenage boys
with telekinetic powers are
watching from offscreen.

Most amazingly, none of her subjects seem to get distracted by her ridiculous outfits. She’s not ogled, groped, or assaulted. She’s chirpy, funny, and engaging. She’s a charmer who could captivate you in a turtleneck.

Takeaway message: Jenny demonstrates how to be ridiculously showy but not slutty. Next time you want to wear your American Apparel dress without a bra, just remember Jenny and the other members of Emmeline’s Possé, and know it can be done.

Pro life tip:
Wear one of Jenny’s blouses to the grocery store
for a  good cardio workout while you shop!
(Assuming your heart doesn’t explode from anxiety.)

Here is a a safe-for-work but not-safe-for-dropping-jaws video of one of Jenny’s interviews:

 

Follow-up from April 2013: She’s still at it!

Jenny Scordamaglia is oops-alicious. Turns out she does this a lot!

Jenny Scordamaglia is oops-alicious. Turns out she does this a lot!

We have new information about camels

I was surfing around youtube looking for ideas for my next story. Naturally, all I watched were camel videos. Here is a camel drinking from a hose:

If you are wondering if this video is worth your time to watch, let me point out that you have probably never seen a camel drinking from a hose. If it’s not on your Bucket List, quickly pencil it in and then scratch it off so you feel like you’re making progress. Realistically, you’re never going to read Ulysses by James Joyce so do the camel thing.

Why are camels sexy?  Continue reading