So, what’s Ursine?

Are you feeling trashy? Because that’s how you attract bears.

As featured on The Elegant Criminal Society tumblr: In 1976, an acclaimed Canadian author named Marian Engel wrote an award-winning novel.

“This time, it’s not the bear that gets stuffed.”

This is a real goddamn thing. You can buy it on Amazon, where it has a classy new cover and it’s blurbed by none other than Margaret Atwood:

Bear is a strange and wonderful book,
plausible as kitchens, but shapely as a folktale,
and with the same disturbing resonance.

–Margaret Fucking Atwood

Are you interested in reading about one woman’s bizarre and healing relationship with a bear? Then you’ll love my new ebook about a hot chick showing off at the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Just kidding, you won’t.

Tonight I’m going to pathetically reproduce this scene with the chewed-up Panda Plushie that I steal from my dog.

I thought I was bringing the weird with my fetish erotic romance novella Yellow Summer. Now I know I didn’t bring nearly enough weird. No wonder Marian Engel is the acclaimed author, and I’m making bear jokes.

Kudos to for J.L. Sage for posting this treasure in the SmutWriter community’s discussion board! Sage is a writer, check out her shifter story “Fondling the Frat Boy“.

Brownies, Bribes, and Mechanics: Sneak Peek

Who hasn’t used their feminine wiles to get work out of mechanic? So here’s the intro to a new short story about a sexy, desperate girl who needs a brake line, and the mechanic she accidentally runs over.

This story might be called “The Brownie Bribe.” (Unless I want it to sell… in which case it will be “Mackin’ on the Mechanic (sex showoff stranger flirt bribe grope)” or something equally graceful.)

My favorite line so far: “If she’s deaf, she’s going to have a great sense of smell.”

Click through for the first few pages… Continue reading

Shockingly filthy song from 1935

220px-LucilleBogan

One of the tag lines for this blog is “Not your grandma’s erotica”… I might have to change that because of this woman.

Lucille Bogan (1897-1948), aka Bessie Jackson, is one of the first recorded female blues singers. Stop playing with your taxidermy squirrels for once, and come settle on the porch with me. Give this a listen:

I got nipples on my titties,
big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin’ between my legs’ll
make a dead man come…
— Lucille Bogan, “Shave ‘Em Dry” (1935)

Is your mind blown yet? She’s just getting started:

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddam ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.
— Lucille Bogan, “Shave ‘Em Dry” (1935)

What happened, America? Where did all our filthy, dirty song lyrics go? When did our crab / nipple / pussy songs suddenly became too risqué? Try singing this song with your kids at the school talent show — you’ll have an eye-opening reaction. That’s one story I’ll never tell again (thanks to my plea bargain).

The full song:

 

Man-man sex video is beautiful, and safe for work

I recently discovered that some of my co-workers don’t like watching men get down with other men. I know, right?

Sure, they’ll starcello-blurbe at two chicks going crazy on a balcony at Mardi Gras. Normative lesbian sex is “hot” — what a double standard! Lesbianism is so acceptable these days, that one of my fireman friends wants a 45-minute “best of GGG” video clip played at his funeral (provided he dies before he’s married).

My problem is that I live in a small conservative Southern community. Everybody is so closed-minded they object to the topic before I even get started at PTA meetings. It’s getting so even the mailman peals away when he sees me coming.

Are we man-to-manners really supposed to just lie down and accept the premise that lesbians are GOLD, but man-bians are “NO”-LD?

If you’re a strong advocate for man-to-man sex, like I am, here’s a video to help you win your arguments. At work. Yes, win your arguments at work. Because this video is SFW! Man-to-man at your desk. It doesn’t get better than that.

Cello 1

For the record, I don’t know if these musicians are actually into each other. You don’t have to be a homosexual to be pleasantly surprised by man sex. This happy, musical fellow might be married to a female, which could lead to some uncomfortable questions soon:

Amanda

Thomas! What is this fucking video I found on your laptop!?

Thomas

It’s, um, nothing? I was just practicing mah cello.

Amanda

OMG what’s he doing to you?

Thomas

It was a little awkward because I wasn’t expecting it.

Amanda

He’s just taking over, isn’t he?

Thomas

I was playing my song, and this guy came up behind me and… and… started fiddling.

 

Cello 2

Amanda

Is this what you meant by wanting to try swinging? Getting nailed on Youtube?

Thomas

It just happened. I know you’re angry—

Amanda

I’m not angry. I’m withholding my criticism, like Dr Winsen told me to. Let’s fullscreen and watch it again.

Thomas

Why are you unzipping my fly?

Amanda

I… I don’t rightly know.

Thomas

CELLOOOOO!

See the whole (very awesome) video: