My fave blog paragraph from early June?

“It’s just that author Antoinette M— gets you excited in ways you can’t anticipate… add that to the list of good reasons to keep a supply of goats. So now that you’re turned on and all, let’s tear off the duct tape and see what Antoinette M— says.”

We have it all in this one paragraph: Praising a friend; referencing why we’d need large herds of  goats; implied duct tape bondage.

Antoinette demonstrates the  "Up-deuteronomy" hairstyle. It's described in the 5th book of the Pornteteuch.

Antoinette’s line-drawing portrait demonstrates the
“Up-deuteronomy” hairstyle. It’s described in the 5th book of the Pornteteuch.

This paragraph is in the ‘intro-after-the-intro’ of an interview with Antoinette M—. Yes. NSFW writers are so progressive, we’re even re-imagining the idea of an introduction.

Goes to show, there is no limit to the odd things a NSFW erotica writer can bring into a sentence, once she gives up hope of ever making sense to her readers.

The pre-introduction blog post is here: “…how to slice up lab animals…”

The actual introduction and interview blog post is here: “…She must have an anus of steel…”

Antoinette’s Interview: She gets to talk now

I wrote the introduction to this interview last week (read it!). Like most things Lindsey, the introduction got out of hand.

Funny goat long hair picture

Hey maaaaan. Not cool.
(Picture credit: laughingtime.com)

Tentacles. Gaypires. Telepaths. French courtiers. Confessions that I’m confused by reality. My circle of friends folding into one meta-friend. I may have slaughtered a goat. I can’t tell for sure until I clean up all this blood.

It’s just that author Antoinette M— gets you excited in ways you can’t anticipate… add that to the list of good reasons to keep a supply of goats. So now that you’re turned on and all, let’s tear off the duct tape and see what Antoinette M— says.

Q1. For most writers, inspiration comes a single place. It could be a general theme or a basic idea, but it leaks in because they’re actually obsessed with it. What drives your writing? What always shows up when you write?

It’s funny, because I’m taking a writing class with Shanna Germain [ed.— This interview was taken in late 2012], and she talks about how editors tend to have their things, and if you read an anthology put together by them, each story will contain this one element. Despite their best efforts, they can’t beat that one kink out of themselves.

For me, it’s probably ass play. Not like “she must have an anus of steel” porno ass play either, but oftentimes gentler stimulation, just some rubbing. In some contexts, buttholes are wonderful things to play with. I think more people would be into ass play if it was presented more as, “Can I touch your asshole?” vs. “Can I put my penis in your ass?”

Vonnegut asshole

Vonnegut enjoyed light ass-play, too. Literary allusion! (Breakfast of Champions.)

I think if you start with the rubbing, you’ll work your way up to, ahem, bigger things. I think I have only one story that lacks ass play. Oddly enough, it’s about two gay men, but it’s their first time together.

As far as inspiration goes, that I just get it from everywhere. My husband complaining about his boss sparked an idea for a dirty story. Watching Bravo’s Real Housewives, sexy scenarios leap out at me. I look at search terms people use to find my blog, and I get story ideas from there.

Q2. You write awesome girl-on-the-street stories with relatable, funny women. But you also write riveting, fully-realized supernatural stories. In the Smutwriter’s Short Smut Vol 1 Anthology (free on Smashwords!), you connect both worlds with a story called “Internet Dating Bites.” Your poor heroine is going to be a Vampire’s after-dinner snack until she finds a way to turn things around (is there anything a BJ can’t do?). Which do you enjoy writing more—real-life stories, or supernatural stories?

Both. I’ve found I’ve gotten stuck in writing things, but I don’t think I’ve ever written anything that I didn’t enjoy. Each have different elements to play with. When I’m writing something more realistic, I can draw heavily on my own experiences. The apartment described in Love on the 500 was my studio. Notice how my women tend to have cluttered apartments? There’s a reason for that.

With paranormal stories, you get to write your own mythologies. “Internet Dating Bites” started as short piece, but expanded into a novelette. I got to make up how vampires work, and how werewolves are created. I asked myself, “Are vampires static, do they change?” I decided that yes, vampires made a very long time ago are different from vampires made today. Working with stories like this is in some ways like writing a sonnet. The restrictions help you to be more creative.

Working with stories like this is in some ways like writing a sonnet. The restrictions help you to be more creative.

Q3. I couldn’t stop laughing at some of the scenes in your story. Do you think humor has a place in erotica, or does it merely distract from the sexiness? When people “get down to business” with each other, they get serious and intent—and so do the readers.

I’m asking for myself. I can’t not use a joke, but I always have to be careful not to ruin the mood. What is the sexiest undercurrent for a story—Humor? Danger? Arousal? Lab work?

The Vampire's Gallery, by Antoinette M—

“That’s not why I’m crying,” I said. “Honestly, if I didn’t get eaten by a vampire, I’d just end up falling down the stairs, or getting hit by a bus, or something stupid.” I sniveled on his chest, staining his clean shirt with snot and tears. “It’s just, I haven’t gotten laid since college, that’s five years. Fuck man, that’s no way to go.”

He let me go, threw his head back, and just howled. He held his sides and chortled.

“Great, even better, my murderer is laughing in my face.” As his peals of laughter washed over me, my head cleared, and I leapt for the door.

Jamie was faster. “You’re not escaping.”

I scowled at him.

“Now that we’re done with this nonsense, are you ready to die?”

“No.” I dropped to my knees, tore open his pants, and stuffed his flaccid cock in my mouth.

“Oh,” he said.

(From The Vampire’s Gallery)

It’s funny that you mention humor. People were discussing ridiculous ways people describe gentalia in my smut writers class, and someone mentioned a man’s member being described as a Coke can, which she thought was absurd.

I said to myself, “OMG, I did that in one of my stories, why did I do that?”

It was because I wanted to interject a little humor into the situation. In the case of “Internet Dating Bites” I think it was important because Jamie is threatening Maria’s life, and the story is supposed to be more sexy than scary. The humor helps to keep it sexy, because it keeps the tone light. We’re not thinking about how she’s going to die, but rather that she seems to be taking the whole thing rather well. —And really, a Coke can? If she’s completely terrified, it’s just not going to work with the storyline of them being together.

Jamie isn’t helping things either. She manages this confession, and then he starts laughing at her. His reaction to her advances is decidedly tepid. She keeps going anyway.

I have another story with darker elements, where the character is afraid, but it works there. He’s been kidnapped, he’s stuck in a cave, and this weird alien wants in his pants. I think even one of your vibrant bouncy girls would whine about it. Humor (other than biting sarcasm) wouldn’t work there.

Geordilovescthulhu antoinettem 600x900

Wins “Best Cover for Story Least Likely to Work, But Totally Does”

That was the story where I finally learned to spell “Cthulhu.” It was like graduating college. (I had one remaining elective, and I chose gay dubious-consent tentacle sex romance.)

Whatever undertone a story has, it to fit that narrative. Your stories are delightfully light-hearted. Humor is the perfect pairing for them. A serious undertone, one of horror, something melancholy, would be awkward and unnatural. Jocular, flippant, breezy, works for you.

Q4. So what is the main thing that you see in your stories, which you think could be your main message? What should people pull out of your erotica, and your characters?

Anal is awesome, and you don’t have to be all up in there. Gentle, non-penetrative touches are also nice. So are literary allusions. I hope to provide a stimulating experience for both mind and body.

What’s coming up next from Antoinette M—… can you give us a preview of the next six months? And what is one of your long range dream projects?

Wandering into the wonderful world of m/m, with Geordi Loves Cthulhu, which should be out soon [Ed. —It’s out! It’s great!]. It’s a dubious consent sci-fi story. Another story I have coming out is Soda and Lime, which has been so much fun to work on.

I was lucky enough to see early versions of Soda and Lime. It’s a world so immersive, it has its own Pinterest boards! Here’s the sneak preview of Soda and Lime from Antoinette M—’s blog, and here’s the Soda and Lime pinterest for my favorite city, The Big Apple! Keep an eye out for this book when it launches.

Thank you, Antoinette M—, for sitting down with us! Hug-hug. Oops. Goat blood.

Anyway, when Antoinette M—‘s next book drops, I know I’ll gush about it on this blog, so stay tuned! Thanks for reading!

Vampires and Tentacles and Sex, Oh My!

This was going to be my introduction to an interview, but it turned into a whole blog post! What kept me gushing?

Local Woman Stalked by Telepathic Coven--And LOVES it!! (Pictured: Not me being stalked.)

Local Woman Stalked by Telepathic Coven–And LOVES it!!
(Pictured: Not me being stalked.)

Last summer, I dove into erotica writing and ebook publishing. It’s a large and fascinating world, full of prolific, funny, and sexy writers.

For the first few wonderful weeks, I corresponded with a bevy of diverse and fascinating women. Let’s call them by their initials, AM, RR, JM, and URK. The more we talked, the more these women merged into a single fascinating woman in my mind. I would pick up a conversation with RR where I left off with JM, and then I’d bring AM into it.

I do this with everybody in my life, but with AM, RR, JM, and URK, it actually worked! I don’t remember what I thought was going on… telepathic coven? Whatevs. Bring it. When it comes to making friends, I’m about level with Nancy Grace… yet now I finally had a social circle of my own. Awesome. 

If I’d been paying attention, I would have known that AM, RR, JM, and URK are actually one person, not a fabulously supportive coven. It wasn’t exactly a secret.

A8a9872c0e3b9439de44b94bfe1775a4

So… Meet Antoinette M—, an author so diverse, interesting, and well-informed, she’ll make you feel like an underachiever if you only have two split personalities.

On her blog, Antoinette covers beer, meatloaf, etiquette and sex among French courtiers, GMOs and science-y stuff, how to slice up lab animals (not gonna link it), more beer, romantic dog-park meet-ups, hard-boiled Vampire noir, serial free smut stories, and her adventures in smut publishing.

Wondering how she relaxes? That’s right. She fucking writes more. Antoinette is a fabulous editor and beta reader, and she chronicles her journey into the art and craft of writing at SmutWriters.com, a blog-collective she helped found.

Some of Antoinette’s work…

Geordilovescthulhu antoinettem 600x900

Wins “Best Cover for Story Least Likely to Work, But Totally Does”

Antoinette writes closely-observed, character-driven erotica about gropers, dominance, M/M, M/F, tentacles, vampires, and gaypires. When it comes to erotica, she has more enthusiasm, skill, and experience than a sorority house full of nymphomaniacs. And she’s easier to tell apart.

Antoinette’s story A Tale of Two Clitties puts the “Dick” in Dickens. I talk about it here. The plot is a wall-to-wall f***k-fest walking around in the literary equivalent of a sling bikini… and it keeps dropping things in front of you and bending over. You want to lend a hand, but your hand is already busy.

Then there’s the freshly-released A Vampire’s Gallery, already five stars on Amazon. I devoured it front-to-back in beta, and I’m late writing a review of it.

I also love Geordi Loves Cluthu, which has about as understated a cover as a gay alien tentacle porn abduction erotica story can possibly have. This cover should win an award. What you can’t tell when you buy the book, is that the tentacle is about to slap some sexy into you. This is the first M/M story I read that made me go MMMMMMMM. Antoinette brings you out of your comfort zone, and you never want to go back.

The Interview

That’s a lot of info about this energetic, up-and-coming eroti-dramatrix… but if you’re like me, you wonder about Antoinette M— the property.

  • What does she eat?
  • How do science and fantasy collide in her life?
  • Where is her writing taking her?
  • How big is her dog?
  • Is that just a euphemism?

Stay tuned for my invasive questioning, coming Monday!

Virginia Flowers’s romantic new novel “Showing Off”

We sit down with author Virginia Flowers and peek up her skirt for insights into her sexy new romance novel.

Virginia Flowers is an award-winning, high-producing erotica and erotic-romance author with a long list of stories to her name. You could disappear into her backlist for days, and then emerge with wild eyes, disheveled clothes, and a dozen new imaginary friends—because her characters are so relatable and interesting you want them to really exist.

Her most recent novel is a sweet, sexy new erotic romance, Showing Off. It’s striking a chord with readers, because when she ran a special promotion, it rocketed to fourth place (picture link!) on the free list for its Amazon category in under three days. Moreover, it did this with only one reader review! Granted, that review was from a top Amazon reviewer, who gave it a strong thumbs up.

I sat down with Virginia to ask her a few questions about her amazing success.

Phallic Flowers

Flowers puts on a sexy show. Hunnnng.

LFB: I hate you, Virginia. Your success makes me angry.

VF: Yes. I feel the hate flowing through you. Come embrace the dark side, young writer.

LFB: In Showing Off, the heroine (and my new best friend) Erica pulls herself together after a broken marriage. To help her along, she has a band of attractive, high-achieving suitors trying to capture her attention. She has fun with them, sure, but she’s also on a path of self-discovery. What is it that makes Erica tick?

VF: One of the things I wanted to do with Erica was take a character who was already very strong woman in her personal life and introduce her to situations that are well outside her norm, to put her off balance and see just how she reacts.

That path of discovery coincided nicely with a reconnection with her need for companionship (not just sexual of course, though that plays a strong role in this novel). So we get to really see how this woman starts out strong, goes through this period of reflection and self-discovery, and how it reveals her own vulnerabilities.

LFB: What’s so hot about the idea of showing off? Why do you think it’s such a prevalent kink for so many men and women?

VF: It’s taboo. We have certain wonderfully erotic regions of our body that we’ve decided are supposed to be hidden most of the time. Seeing them is titillating (what a lovely word that is); we’re supposed to become aroused when we see them. I suppose in Medieval times, just seeing an ankle was considered titillating for most western cultures.

I’m not a huge exhibitionst myself, though I admit to having indulged in some public sexual escapades with partners that were very enjoyable. Even getting caught was a bit hot. It’s just that we’re not supposed to be doing it which is the naughty, arousing part.

I [have] indulged in… public sexual escapades… that were… hot.
—Virginia Flowers

LFB: I like how Erica finds a way to be a classy show-off. She doesn’t just flip a switch and turn nasty and filthy, she shows off in ways that I could show off, or any of your readers could show off. She also stands up for herself when people try to treat her as a mere sex object. She’s like the exhibitionist you could introduce to your mother, if you wanted your mother to start teasing delivery men.

Were these conscious choices as you wrote her character?

VF: Very conscious. I could have written the traditional “I like to flash and here’s my body, and yes I would be happy to smoke your sausage for you, too” sort of book. But I felt that had been done to death already, there’s plenty of stories like that out there. Erica is not a slut, just a woman who discovers she climaxes quite nicely when her naughty parts are on display.

She was raised a good Catholic girl, so sleeping around isn’t an acceptable practice. And I wanted her to continue to be a strong woman while giving in to her vulnerable sides, so I very consciously made it about her turning people on without them being allowed to touch her (other than the two lovers she meets during the course of the novel). That way she is both strong and in control, which she likes, while being able to put herself in a very vulnerable position of exposure.

LFB: It seems like she’s less wish-fulfillment erotica, and more of a reader proxy like in romantica.

VF: This is also a Romance book. While there is some sex, and its quite steamy, the novel revolves around relationships more than it does sex. If Erica focused on having sex during all her encounters, I felt it would stray from that sense of falling in love and discovering not only how to express those needs she had found in herself, but how to build a relationship that encompasses those needs..

Mr Dimples...?

I’m a charming, accomplished, artistic boatwright… but you’ve objectified me into a rugged pair of dimples. Thank you for that! Let’s go out.

LFB: You have a character, Mr. Dimples (Michael) who is mourning a broken marriage of his own. He lost his wife, who was serving the U.S. in Iraq. Some of your other stories have military themes as well, themes we often don’t get in erotica and erotic romance. Do you have some background that makes you want to especially recognize the contributions of service men and women?

VF: I served as well when I left high school. I was in the Army Reserves and worked as a medical lab technician. I also have close relatives who have served, though I feel fortunate that my family has not suffered any loss of life or limb during any of our missions overseas. I have a strong sense of pride for what those people put themselves through on a daily basis, the sacrifices those families make for the rest of us.

LFB: How long have you been writing, and do you have a grand plan for what’s coming up this year?

VF: I started writing in 8th grade. My first story was about an avalanche that crashes down on a ski resort and the brave people who rescue those who are trapped. It was a complete rip-off of a bad horror movie I had seen.

Someday I'm going to be a grown-up story about sexual discovery. Uh-oh -- avalanche!

Someday I’m going to be a grown-up story about sexual discovery. Uh-oh — avalanche!

I’d always loved writing and telling stories. I grew up in Maine, where there is still a very strong storytelling tradition, mostly humorous, and this was a big influence when I was younger. In high school my English teachers were tougher and discouraging, so I moved into the sciences and aimed for a teaching career.

Then life intruded. I went in the military, then didn’t get around to going to college for about 6 years. When I finally went back to school, I took a creative writing course for fun… and fell in love with writing all over again. Hearing people read my piece aloud in class and asking who wrote it because they loved it was a real kick. This was also early in the Internet era, and I started posting short stories of erotica to various forums and message boards.

Even though I left school without finishing (I waited until much later in life to get my degree), I continued to write stories, and in the late 90’s received an online award from what was, at that time, one of the better reviewers of erotica online, the Celestial Review. My story, Diary of a Voyeur, was named one of the Best Stories of the Month, and Best Stories of the Year.

Fuck your dreams, mommy. Fuck them.

Fuck your dreams, mommy. Fuck them.

Then life intruded again, now with family, marriage, and kids…

LFB: Don’t get me started with those things… kids. It’s like my vagina betrayed me.

VF: I discovered a year ago how easy it was to self-publish on sites like Amazon, so I dusted off my old stories and made simple covers, and well… here I am now, with my first novel under my belt. Which I’m very very very proud of, by the way.

LFB: Yes, as I said, I hate your accomplishments. I hope you’re not planning any more?

VF: I’m thinking of a follow up to Showing Off, detailing more of the developing relationship between Erica and Michael and her explorations into exhibitionism. I’m also outlining a novel about a middle aged mom who loses her job and accidentally falls into work as a prostitute to make ends meet. I’m also working on some mystery and fantasy stories, though at this point my first love is Romance.

LFB: All my hate has left me pleasantly exhausted!

Showing Off is Virginia Flowers’s new erotic romance (tons of romance, very erotic, strong female lead) and it’s out this month on Amazon for Kindle.

If you’ve ever wanted to try showing off… just follow the adventures of your new friend Erica as she tests the waters, and finds the temperature to be exactly as hot as she needs.

Visit Virginia’s blog for more developments. Also, see more of Virginia’s writing on Smutwriters.com, the magazine for erotica writers!

Scordamaglia Oops!

Nominated for Emmeline’s Possé! You need to sit down for this. Then put a pillow in your lap to catch your jaw. Jenny Scordamaglia is a model/reporter for Miami TV (here is their Youtube channel, with 372 videos) who grew up in Colombia and apparently never developed body shame like I did.

Jenny Scordamaglia interviews two indifferent men

Jenny Scordamaglia interviews two indifferent men

Night after night, she strolls around in flimsy, showy outfits that reveal most of her tan, lovely skin. Skin which should rightfully be mine. She interviews men and women, nightclub patrons, celebrities, museum curators, you name it. She does highly public interviews on the street, chats up people at concerts—all while her clothes slide off, gape open, curtain apart, or flip up over her ass.

It’s as if a dozen horny teenage boys
with telekinetic powers are
watching from offscreen.

Most amazingly, none of her subjects seem to get distracted by her ridiculous outfits. She’s not ogled, groped, or assaulted. She’s chirpy, funny, and engaging. She’s a charmer who could captivate you in a turtleneck.

Takeaway message: Jenny demonstrates how to be ridiculously showy but not slutty. Next time you want to wear your American Apparel dress without a bra, just remember Jenny and the other members of Emmeline’s Possé, and know it can be done.

Pro life tip:
Wear one of Jenny’s blouses to the grocery store
for a  good cardio workout while you shop!
(Assuming your heart doesn’t explode from anxiety.)

Here is a a safe-for-work but not-safe-for-dropping-jaws video of one of Jenny’s interviews:

 

Follow-up from April 2013: She’s still at it!

Jenny Scordamaglia is oops-alicious. Turns out she does this a lot!

Jenny Scordamaglia is oops-alicious. Turns out she does this a lot!